There is this feeling of looking over my shoulder. It is very acute, like a physical cloud that follows me around making threats of rain and thunder. I am not accustomed to looking over my shoulder like this.

There have been occasional regrets and grudges, but never a hunch up your shoulders and hunker down for the blow type of shock that I just went through.

I’m really not sure how to move past it, ‘cause like a shadow it’s just a part of who I am now.

Clearly, I’ve moved past the celebration phase, the “high-fivey” click my heals up and make a toast to the end of treatment.  When I try to define it, it creeps up over me like a quiet cloud, where I feel more void than physical and real.

Could it be that I am the cloud? Is the Shadow that of God cast over me? Ok, I’m little, I get it.

And I’m big and I’m everywhere too. I get it.

I keep looking over my shoulders, feel the sand slipping, the ocean pulling, like a big wave is gonna’ drag me in.