Ten days and counting…
Surgery is imminent. While a part of my logical mind knows that this is the first concrete and necessary step towards ridding my body of cancer, there is still a huge dam of denial that is about to break as the reservoir of reality breaches the safety zone. I am managing in mirco-seconds… taking care of what is before me, one step at a time. There is no way to REALLY prepare yourself for this ride. I wake up only to remember over and over what is before me. I go through the motions of what needs to be done on any average day, plus 10x that as I try to busy my body to keep the intensity of my feelings at bay. (This doesn’t really work by the way. After 2 days of exhaustion, you end up a messy puddle, the endorphins from a good cry carry you through to the next day and the cycle begins again.) I may be having a nice afternoon and someone’s well intentioned question hits me in an unexpected way… how am I? Honestly?
Proposed miracle cures that have saved others and ominous warnings about chemotherapy and the evils of the medical industrial complex are equally not helpful to me now. I know everyone means well. I recognize the desire to be helpful and to contribute in some meaningful way. Know though, that it is taking every ounce of my courage to make the choices I’ve made and that I have researched like CRAZY and know that I have to go the route that I’m going. Each time I hear someone’s well intentioned suggestion, I hurt a little inside, because I wish there were other choices for me that would end in a good outcome. Something other than surgery and chemotherapy, please. The fact is, I can not wager my future and being around to see my son graduate grade school and beyond… It is too late for doubt.
BUT, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for holding me and my family in your light. Thank you for the generosity and the care that has come to us during these trying days and for the days to come. Thank you for sharing in this experience with me.