Exactly one week ago at this time, I was fresh from surgery, in a world of pain and confusion. The last week has melded into one blurry, long day. I am through the first leg of the woods and can begin to make out the other side. Feels good to be in this place where I can begin to feel comfortable in my skin again. I had my first real shower today (which felt like winning the lottery!)
Though I am not ready to resume my normal activities and still need to spend the day resting, I am happy to report that my surgeon said I am healing very nicely. I have these awkward drains protruding from under my arms and they will stay in place for one more week. Not-doing has been a big test for me in all this. I’m learning to surrender more and more.
Gratefully, I have moved through the very anxiety ridden time of waiting for the surgery to actually happen. Much of my way of interpreting the world and incorporating experiences is through visuals. Prior to surgery I kept feeling like something was being taken from me, like I have been betrayed by my body and dealt an unfair punishment. A new image emerged just days before reporting to the OR. It was an image of me, as a beautiful and winged new self emerging from the incision across my breasts. I felt into this image and realized that the surgery was really an offering. I gave my breasts and in turn I get to live. Gratitude is the feeling that comes. As I write this, I no longer have cancer in my breast. I have eradicated my chances of another breast cancer in the future. How many before me had no options, but were only given an expiration date? My head humbly bows in gratitude.