Shedding Layers of Me

What is a woman without her breasts? Without her fertility? Without her hair… eyelashes, eyebrows? What is a woman too sick and sore to hold her baby, to cook for her husband? What is a woman who can’t drive a car and doesn’t feel well enough to contribute at work? Underneath, what will be there looking back from the mirror?

Perhaps I have been too vain and prideful of my looks, too proud of my abilities to “do it all”, multitask and be a solid rock for my family, friends and co-workers. I understand the underpinnings all too well. Like many of you reading this, I have become caught up in this idea that my value as a human being and my worthiness of love is dependent upon what I am able to contribute. Who am I without all this Doing-ness?

 

Things are moving fast now. Last Friday, I successfully had some of my eggs retrieved and stored away for possible use in the future. They will forever remain 36 years old, untouched by the ravages of chemotherapy. Two days ago I had my last surgical drain removed, and did the hugest happy dance inside! That same day, I met with my new oncologist. It was night and day different from my last experience. I found out that my pathology report suggests a stronger classification of treatment, which will last a total of 5 months. Tomorrow I will have a port installed, and next week it’s GO time. The first half will encompass two drugs together, Adriamycin and Cytoxin, every two weeks, followed by an injection the next day to boost my immune system. Then I will switch to another drug, Taxol,  which will be administered once a week until the end of treatment.

Like with the surgery, I feel anxious and nervous and part of my psyche is screaming, RUN! On the other hand, I feel like, “Let’s get on with it already”. I want to move through this and come out the other side of the tunnel, and get on with my life. I have known so long that this was coming and just want to skip over all this yuckiness and forget that 2014 happened. (Except if I did that, I might not ever realize how much I mean to so many people, and have been graced by all the love and support that has flooded in. Ahhh…. ok, surrender.)

It is eerily quiet in this place, waiting for the chemical tsunami to hit my shores. When the fear starts to grip at my chest, I try and remember what a friend recently said to me….”chemo is pure nectar from the gods in your case. “Amrita”, is the word in Hindu. Let it wash all over and into your cells, gods nectar bathing you in purity and light.”

 

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(this was me a few days before surgery)

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Shedding Layers of Me

  1. Sweetheart! Sending Love! Breathe and breathe! It’s a lot! What a miracle that *eggg* can be harvested! May all go well! Rest and receive all you need, Melissa! There is so much Love and support arpund you all! *~ ❤ ~*

  2. You are amazing.

    Love, Win

    On 8/13/14 12:05 PM, “melissa’s healing hope” wrote:

    > Melissa Eppard posted: “What is a woman without her breasts? Without her > fertility? Without her hair… eyelashes, eyebrows? What is a woman too sick > and sore to hold her baby, to cook for her husband? What is a woman who can’t > drive a car and doesn’t feel well enough to contrib” >

  3. Dear Melissa
    I so appreciate your sharing of this process. Your writing is true and inspiring. May your healing be deep and swift. Much love to you.

  4. Oh sweet Melissa. Thank you for your honesty and sharing this with us. I have been so wrapped in my own world of doing-ness that i have not been able to be with you even a fraction as much as i would like.

    Your sharing brings it home and reminds me to make the effort to be here for you even more

    Because you are so cherished and adored and loved and it is because of all of your strengths and vulnerabilities too.
    You are beautiful and if i can be your mirror for any of this experience, I would like to reflect to you just such a wealth of softness and grace and courage and beauty and strength and allowance for you to get to be whoever you are in any moment.

    Amrita is the right word. From this experience you will only come to more clarity of focus toward what is your next adventure into more you shining even brighter.

    Your ease, comfort and soothing healing through this process is all that we want for you. It is the only expectation i hold.

    Love and love and appreciation and love and more love and more appreciation for the beauty that is all of you.

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