Skirting on the edge of normalcy, having endured and struggled through a most unexpected twist in my life’s path, I have turned inside out and emptied my contextualizing pockets of identity. How do I do this thing called living? My ego is scrambling, clutching at the fringes of what once was. Nothing fits the same anymore.
I am now the damn energizer bunny. Without all those chemicals dumped in my veins on a weekly basis, I am climbing higher and higher, each day finding the next footing. It takes flat out exhaustion to finally still me late at night. Part of this is the thrill of having energy, period. Part of this is feeling like I’ve missed out on so much already and I need to catch up. Part of this is feeling too cooped up for the last seven months, and finding it hard to be trapped indoors in the coldest part of this northeast winter. Yet, there is something more. I am trying to find my identity and my place in this world. Although I didn’t die, I still feel like a ghost. Does that make sense?
Having felt the full embrace of life’s impermanence and frailty, I feel that my former perception of reality was really through a distorted lens. Who has time to do anything that is not joyful and interesting? I don’t want to waste a single second doing anything that does not make my heart sing. Yet, I am a mom and a wife and I have bills to pay and laundry to fold and dishes to wash and emails to respond to. Most days I am too busy to really think about this thing that has me chasing my tail… my mind dragging my body along endless tasks. Most days I take pleasure in these mundane things, especially right now, just because I can do these things and participate in this thing called living. But what about Living with a capitol L?
What the hell just happened to me? I want to disassociate from this big dark thing that cast such a long shadow. I want to “get back to normal” but the truth is that I have changed. Who is this impostor, wearing my clothes and makeup?
9 thoughts on “a ghost of a woman”
i like the old you and the impostor is pretty fucking cool, it that’s what you’re calling yourself these days.
Awe, you made me smile! Thank you girl!
You say it yourself……day by day you are climbing. Read this blog over and over..take pride in all that you have accomplished…I know that your readers do. Congratulations Melissa!!!
I’m sure many have told you… this blog is phenomenal and could be a book… a book that could inspire and help millions!! Go for it!
That’s an amazing idea… Kickstarter? I’ll put in money 🙂
You are more vibrant and alive than ever Melissa. Rock on!
Valid, serious points raised. I think soon, you’ll find something “a new normal.” You’ll be forever changed with what you’ve gone through but it will all balance out and the new, improved, cancer-free Melissa will become less of a ghost and more of “you.”
Thank you Cat. Your words give me hope!
You have such a gift with language, Melissa. Not letting the mundane eat up Life is a daily process of learning, I so appreciate all parts of you in shining light on life and Life and living.