Here is the crossroads. The new me in the old cocoon, on the doorstep of what’s next. Trying to reconcile my world view, tipped on its axis. I step forward + still want to scream when I’m faced with holier than thou proclamations of how you can be saved
if only I eat a certain way, fine tune my thoughts, wear the right oils, cleanse on the new moon. I was that person once extolling the Golden Nuggets of Holistic Health Care.
I want to scream, “These Things Will Not SAVE you!” There is no bullet proof vest made of Angel’s hairs and coated in your ability to control everything. Just let that thought go and keep moving on.
Now I am 2 weeks and a day beyond my last and final dose of chemo. This is the longest time I’ve had to let my cells populate and feel at home. -Growing into myself again. Everyday testing the new normal, resuming old habits -a green smoothie here, some yoga stretches there. Acupuncture & healthy foods have been my friends.
I want to make peace with a betrayal in my body. A tattoo for the outside and a balm of reassurance on the inside.
How do you reconcile when doing all the right things, you thought, had led you to awaken the same sleeping dragon?
and where do you go from here?
You are so wise Melissa. I wish you a life of health, happiness and peace.
And on ones knees we surrender and say thank you and I love.
This may piss you off (which is not my intention). But is it possible that the “betrayal in my body” is a profound teaching that will not reveal itself logically or intellectually yet resonates on a truth level with your statement, “There is no….. ability to control everything” and that acceptance of such may grant you the peace you desire?
I’m glad to hear you are beyond your final chemo dose. May you continue to attain your new normal. It is wonderful that you are with us. (My Snake Medicine Massage offer is still open.)
Not at all! Profound teaching is totally right, and it continues still. It is so humbling to be reminded how not in control we all really are. While faith in the body and my prior knowledge was shaken, Faith in something greater still grows!
So glad to hear you are growing into your own body again…wise words! Sending healing love from California
i love this post, Melissa. We dwell in mystery. There is no magic amulet. There is only a hardcore faith in something so vast, so perfect, we can’t understand it with our clumsy brains. I love your questions, i love your wisdom. Oh yeah, and I love you.
I’m very glad you choose to blog and share with us Melissa. I’d never try to suggest answers to your questions but i’m here and listening, and grateful for you and your posts! 🙂