How my experience with breast cancer, sudden menopause, and sexual “unwellness” inspired a new chapter in my work.
Healing continues for years after a cancer diagnosis. For many of us, there is no “end of treatment,“ and instead, a regimen of costly oncology check-ups, scans, sometimes lifelong medication and a feeling of hypervigilance that you can’t quite shake. Some of our friends have faced secondary cancer diagnoses, or disease progression and metastasis, and sadly too many of our friends and family members have died.
When we talk about healing from cancer, it goes far beyond the mending of surgical wounds, or hair regrowth, and a reprieve from treatment side effects. There are long lasting hidden disabilities and psychological, emotional, financial, relational and sexual aspects that deserve attention too.
For the last decade, my coaching work (Melissa Eppard Coaching), this blog, and support group moderation and mentorship has centered around empowering people and reorienting priorities in alignment with values, restoring a feeling of safety and trust in the body, and reclaiming these aspects of their lives that were depleted from illness.
Over the last three years, my work has taken a meaningful shift towards supporting the reclamation of sexual wellness. What began as an honest question to my oncologist at the start of an aggressive 5 month course of chemotherapy in 2014, became seeds for a calling. “How will this treatment impact my sex life?” I asked him. He blushed, looked down at the floor and said, “Oh, you won’t have energy for that.” Period. That was the conversation.
I knew I would go into sudden “chemopause” at age 36. I knew that aside from the cessation of my cycle and loss of fertility, that I would experience night sweats, hot flashes, and brain fog. I later learned that there would be additional risks to my health like loss of bone density, and potential impacts to my cardiovascular health, long term brain health, and genitourinary health.
One thing I wish I knew is that due to the sudden hormone change, that my libido would crap out. Yes, my oncologist was right about the fatigue, but why wasn’t my body responsive to my loving partner the way it had always been? I felt so much grief and shame, as if my body had been taken over by a stranger walking around in my skin. In addition to all my fear and disorientation as a younger person with a life threatening illness, I had to grapple with this disconnect in my relationship. Honestly, I felt unrecognizable to myself.
Years later in my coaching work, I had developed tools to support people with stress reduction and body image, but the thing that I lacked—that I so needed myself as well, was physical and practical support for my missing libido and the vaginal dryness that resulted from menopause. This is where my work in founding the sexual wellness brand Upstate Mary came in. In almost every single conversation I had with other cancer survivors, talk of sexual dysfunction would come up. I knew about the incredible pain relieving properties of CBD, so why not include this in a lube?? CBD as it turns out, is a natural vasodilator, and guess what happens when you apply this to the tissues of your vulva?? This was a eureka moment for me personally. Learn more about this clean, all natural plant powered product line at Upstatemary.com.
I’m excited to share where this is leading me now. I have decided to take my coaching work further and have enrolled in the Somatica Institute’s year-long coaching program to become a certified sex, intimacy and relationship coach! I’ve been having these conversations for years, speaking openly about sexual wellness, pleasure, and intimacy at conferences, popups, and workshops. Now, I’m looking to deepen my knowledge and expand my toolkit so I can offer even more meaningful, practical support to people navigating challenges in their intimate lives.
I recognize that sexuality is deeply personal, and that cultural and religious stigma, shame, and taboo can make these conversations difficult. I also know that a staggering number of people carry experiences of sexual trauma. So I share this next chapter publicly, understanding that as my work evolves, some of what I write and share may not resonate with everyone. And that’s okay. But I also believe that the more we bring these conversations into the light, with compassion, curiosity, and without judgment, the less alone we feel in our struggles. We all deserve the opportunity to experience pleasure, intimacy, and connection on our own terms.
And this is where you come in. As I step into this next chapter, I want to hear from you. What conversations are you longing to have? What questions have you been afraid or embarrassed to ask? What kind of support would help you feel more connected to your body, your pleasure, and your relationships? I’m envisioning new opportunities for connection through support groups, workshops, and honest, shame-free conversations about sexual wellness, intimacy, and pleasure, particularly for those navigating cancer, menopause, and midlife. But I don’t want to make assumptions about what you need. I’ve created a short, anonymous survey to help shape what comes next, and I would be so grateful for your input. Whether you’ve been part of my community for years or are just finding your way here, your voice matters. Let’s make room for conversations that deserve to be had, and remind each other that surviving is only part of the story. We deserve to thrive, to feel alive in our bodies, and to experience pleasure, connection, and joy.
Jump to the anonymous survey. It’ll take less than 5 minutes and I ask you to do it now so you don’t forget about it.
Beyond being a blog reader, sign up for my email list. I promise not to spam you with constant emails, but thoughtful occasional emails, and you can unsubscribe at any time.
Lastly, please like and follow on all the social channels so we can stay in touch!
Visit the Upstate Mary blog, Between the Sheets for access to more supportive sexual wellness topics.
