Creative, Resourceful and Whole

Many of you know that shortly before diagnosis, I embarked on a new career path. Wait, more than a career path…

A life changing and empowering transformation was taking hold. I had finally understood on a core level what people mean when they refer to “a calling”. I had found IT and was actively pursuing IT. Let me back up…

Over 8 years ago, while I was working as the Faculty Coordinator at the Omega Institute, I began working with a very special Life Coach named Win. He helped me see doors where I had only perceived walls. He helped me to create some space in my life to allow back in a little play, a little more spaciousness and creativity. All those things were there inside me, but I just needed someone to give me permission and help create a little more space in which I could find my joy again.  He had an active roll as a witness and a person to hold me accountable to these quiet, urgent and unmet goals bubbling up inside me.

The last 6 years,  under the close tutelage of Dr. Alan Hutchins at Woodstock Wellness, a whole huge reorientation to myself and my wellbeing took place. While officially serving as the office manager, I began to experience a deepening of understanding and compassion when it came to helping others find healing and wholeness. I took notes, I learned about nutrition, detoxification, emotional clearing, energy healing and grounding, and so much more. I worked with hundreds of people, assisting Dr. Alan and the many people that sought his unique skills as a healer.

I would find time and again, that after Alan would “stir the pot”, deep emotions would surface in clients. There would be an openness and a need to reflect on the shift that had just taken place. After the alloted time for the visit was up, the client would report to the front desk to make a payment and reschedule, and often a spontaneous processing session would occur. At the end of these 6 years, when Dr. Alan took the bold step of closing the practice to create spaciousness for his own healing and resurrection of joy, I knew I was ready for something more. I didn’t simply want to fill a void in the job market. I wanted to take all the learning and deepening that I had experienced and put it to good use. That was where CTI came in…

With the Coaches Training Institute I began to gain the core skills needed to one day become a certified Life Coach. I signed up for the full core curriculum, which entails 5 weekends of intensive study, plus lots of time remotely studying, reading and honing your coaching skills by developing a client base and putting that knowledge to use. After my first weekend in NYC, I was hooked. It was more than the curriculum and style of teaching, it was the soul level connection that I felt with all the people who attended our small group. As corny as this may sound, it really felt like we had all made some pact to be there at this time and place long before being born. Our backgrounds and interests were so diverse, but for a group of strangers all thrown in a room together, we really let down walls. I’m pretty sure I can say that we each experienced a big shift that weekend. Exactly 3 weeks after that first weekend training, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

There is a tenet in the CTI model that each person is, “Creative, Resourceful and Whole”. Here I am now. Outwardly I look and feel healthy. I have not yet had surgery. I haven’t yet undergone chemo and the subsequent hair loss. However, the doctors don’t reflect wholeness back to me. They are pressing for surgery as soon as possible and a date will soon be scheduled. I am creative and resourceful… here I am typing this post at 4 in the morning. I want to feel wholeness. Please take this worry and concern and pain off my chest. I am about to be turned inside out… will I make it back to wholeness?

I believe in God or Source or Infinite Potential, or how ever you feel comfortable expressing that idea. I believe there are messages from Source coming at all times, you just need to ask for guidance and be open to what shows up. I know that often this information does not come up in ways that we at first understand or expect. BUT, what kind of message is it when the rug is pulled so abruptly after proclaiming and actively pursuing a new path? On my best and worst days, this cancer diagnosis feels unjust and makes no sense. On worse days, I am so angry and hurt and feel abandoned and betrayed by Source. Will there be a return to wholeness? Will there be some silver lining that comes with this awful experience? Please God, I hope so.

Photo: © 2014 Eberhardt Smith, LLC. All Rights Reserved.