Where the light seeps in

After a lovely afternoon with my dear friend Joyce, I was reminded of some surprising areas of lightness that have come, little wisps of humor to sweep aside the heaviness and worry in this breast cancer journey. For even a moment, any humor found is a life boat worthy of jumping on.

My son, although mostly a very happy and joyful boy, tends to have extremely long and drawn out periods of upset if anything is found to be broken, or if the batteries or light bulb has gone out in something. Even as we swiftly replace offending bulb or battery and calmly explain that it’s an easy fix, he is known to perseverate on the idea. It takes a lot of patience and soothing on our part as his parents.

That said, I was really concerned how he would handle my impending baldness. I found some children’s books to help him with this difficult time in our family, with titles like, “When Mommy had a Mastectomy,” and “When Mommy had Cancer”. I do believe these helped to prepare him a little bit, even though I modified some of the language to suit his understanding.

Julian came with me for my first haircut, and got to see it transformed into a fun short cut that we colored red. He said, “I want red hair too!” Then he saw me go even shorter with the #3 blade buzz cut that only lasted for a few days. Even so, when the hair was really gone, I didn’t let him really see me without a scarf or a wig for a good 2 or 3 weeks. Then one day, I decided to just see what happens. I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I just casually walked out of the bathroom and quietly sat down on the couch.

I never would have imagined the response that came next.

“Mommy has NO HAIR!” Julian proclaimed! He next started laughing… HYSTERICALLY! This caused me to start laughing hysterically, and the two of us laughed and laughed with tears streaming down our faces. It was the exact response I so badly needed. I really needed him to be OK with my hair loss and I was sick of hiding this from him. I so badly needed to laugh at the ridiculousness of this side effect of the chemo and feel a little lightness about it.

Next he said in a self-soothing tone, “It’ll grow back!”

What a wise little boy.

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10 thoughts on “Where the light seeps in

  1. Aren’t kids the best? Our perception is nothing like how they see things. Julian’s response is surely a gift to you. As difficult as it is – be gentle with yourself. What a great message he conveyed 🙂

  2. What perfect timing for a wonderful opening of those dark thick clouds to burst open and completely engulf you with the much needed beam of warm healing light. There could be nothing more precious and beautiful effective than a good laughter and giggle session with one of your own little children To heal a heavy heart and burdened body.

  3. What a great reaction from Julian, who chose his parents well. My son was a sensitive 13-year-old when I lost my locks to chemo. Concerned about peer pressure and the reaction of his friends, I wondered aloud what he’d tell his friends when they asked why I was bald. Without skipping a beat, David said, “I’ll just tell them you joined the military.” In other words, saying that my hair, or lack of it, was none of his friends’ business.

  4. Pure positive energy. He knows in his being that everything is okay. As excruciating as this must be, you are pure positive energy and he sees that and feels it and knows it.. better than any of us do. He knows you are clear light and love and completely whole.
    So beautifully and totally and perfectly whole and exquisite.
    I love you.

  5. perfect…and made my twisted mind think….”the response that you needed so BALDLY…” lol…humor is goooooood medicine. love you, beautiful!

  6. I always love reading your blog. Today’s entry was just beautiful! Children accept us for what we are in that moment. Julian loves you madly, hair or no hair!
    Your illness has reminded me that I am fortunate at this moment to be healthy, and I’m grateful for that. And speaking of hair, I have a lot. (again, I’m grateful) You have inspired me to grow it long enough to donate it for wigs for cancer patients.
    Sending love and positive energy directly to you and the boys. ❤

  7. They win us over again and again with their deep awareness and perspective, which is why I believe all children are angels! What an opportunity he has shared with you–and how beautifully you opened to that moment. May the healing continue for you and your family, Melissa. Bless you all.

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