Slowing down

Something is happening to my brain and my being. I am slowing, yet I can’t seem to stop. Sleep comes in 4 hour windows. I am anxious and afraid. I am softening. I cried with someone I barely know today. I let in a stranger. She came at me from the side so gently and said, “Are you ok”. Sort of taken aback, I replied, “Yeah, I’m alright.” When she said she had gone through this too, 16 years earlier and had two young kids at the time, I knew she knew. The head scarf is a dead giveaway. Half the ladies at the JoAnne’s fabric shop looked at me curiously. The other half looked away like I was a too young mirror of what they never want to think possible. I get it.

This lady though, she just SAW me and comforted me in a way strangers can rarely do. There was a brief communion of souls in the yarn aisle and then we parted.

On Monday the bell rings, ding! and I am face to face with AC chemo round #4. The last and final round before the supposedly easier Taxol regimen begins. Rejoice right? It’s the last one…

I check out in my mind when I think of going back there. Hmm, Hmmm, Hmmmmm my mind screams. I am lying on my back on a soft plaid flannel blanket, spongey grass underneath, looking at the most beautiful blue sky, warm breeze fluttering my shirt. Oh boy…………

It’s not that sitting there is so bad. There is the most lovely and kind male nurse that really makes you feel comfortable. Throw in a back rub and a mud mask and it might as well be spa day. It’s not that.

Like I said, something is happening to me.  It doesn’t feel good to be in my skin and I can’t escape it. There is no reference point, no status quo for me to stop and rest… like the inhale keeps, keeps, keeps, and then I have no idea where to land. And when I’m too tired to pursue my assorted projects of distraction, I stop and I feel.

Exhale

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4 thoughts on “Slowing down

  1. Melissa, your willingness to be seen, and your allowing yourself to be vulnerable are remarkable. Your articles, a personal and yet universal journey, need to be required reading for everyone.

  2. I just love your honest, deep posts, always with a tint of lightness. Please keep them coming. I feel so honored to be let into your process. Love, Heidi

  3. Your halfway home and the rest of the way is all down hill.Just tell them to do what they have to do ,let them let you know, when their done. Sail on sweet girl,you can do it! We pray for you all the time.love aunt lala. That is my new power name!

  4. Your strength and vunerability are astonishing. You are giving encouragement and courage to not only the present but also to the future people who are too confused to put their journey into words. I am so proud of you, Warrior Princess.

    Love,
    Mom

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